The adult conversation is nice. I would go hours without speaking to anyone besides Ryk or the dogs. I'd end up calling my mom a few times a day just to see what she was doing. Being out of the house is a double edge sword. I like being able to get out and get some fresh air, but the art of being 'a housewife' is lost art. That was something I enjoyed terribly being at home. Taking care of my own son, cleaning my own house, having a meal ready for my husband when he got home from work... It was great. I use to think I would be bored if I was a SAHM, because there would be 'nothing to do all day.' HA! I was in denial. There is always something to do in your home. Always. I miss that. I also like knowing I'll receive a paycheck. There is something comforting in knowing your hard work pays off, literally, in the end.
However, I miss Ryker during my 9ish hours away so much - it's painful. I keep thinking, what can I do at home and still bring in something to help Scott? No amount of money, no job trumps me being a mother. He is my first priority. My mom was a working mother, a hard working mother. She worked 12 hour days (3 on/4 off or 4 on/3 off) up until 2011, over half her life actually. I have always had that work ethic in my head - I need to work and provide for my family. My folks also didn't pay thousands and thousands of dollars for my education for me not to use it. But now that Ryker is here, I realize I need to provide for him. He needs him mom.
Another terribly difficult aspect of being gone all day is the evenings. I cannot wait to get out of the office at 5. I basically run to my car so I can go pick him up. Then we have a 30 minute drive home which puts us home about 6. I have 2 hours with my son before he goes to sleep. It's completely unfair. And I have to share him with Scott (ha). Not to mention we have to fix dinner, shower, get ready for the next day, get Ryk ready... And before you know it it's past 8 and he's asleep. All to go to bed and do it again the next day. It's painful and depressing. I was so excited for this last Friday. But once I got to thinking about it, I was so sad it was Friday. I kept thinking, I only get 2 days with my baby. 48 hours. How depressing and sad. And painful. I didn't want to do a thing this weekend but hold my baby. Naturally because Scott and I both worked all week, we tried to squeeze household chores in at nap time. Not much got done, I didn't even want to put him down when he napped. But to be honest, I don't care. The dust can build up, the dishes can stay in the dishwasher... We only have 48 hours to spend with our newborn.
I can only hope working gets easier on me for the time being. I don't plan on working forever. Home is where I need to be. I know that in my heart. I just need to wait till the timing is right. I know He hears my prayers and I'm waiting till I receive an answer. So until it works out for our situation, I will cherish every waking second I have with Ryker. Scott and I will also know we are doing the best we can for him. He will have anything and everything he could ever want, whether I'm at home or not. He deserves the best life, and that's what he's going to get. Whether he has a stay at home mommy or a working mommy. My priority is him.
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