I'm a realist.
I didn't expect parenthood to be rainbows and sunshine.
Some days are a lot more challenging than others, and not because I have a tough baby. He really is so fantastic and easy going. It's all the other 'stuff' that comes with having a child.
It's a number of things really, but as of late we've been dealing with:
1) Teething. It's terrible and I feel awful for him. He doesn't sleep, he's fussy, he hurts... Poor kid is chewing on everything. Then magically the next day or two, he's perfect! He still has no teeth, but those pearly whites have been bothering him for a while. I just wish one would break through and maybe, just maybe, give him some relief for a day or so before the next one breaks... It's a vicious cycle.
2) Constipation. Ryker has been on solids since he was 6 months old. He is a fantastic eater! We went through veggies; green beans (which he didn't love but he did eat), sweet potatoes, peas, baked chicken, roast beef, pears, prunes, peaches (hated!! That's the only thing he's refused and cried at!). He is a total pro at rice cereal, which he's graduated from, and now we give him a sweet potato and apple oatmeal cereal. He loves it all. I'm a little cautious about what I give him and when. He is still not the best at self-feeding so we decided we would give him some Gerber Puffs to work on that skill. He's doing really well and gets so happy when I start clapping for him when he gets them in his mouth. Last Thursday, Scott and I were having something with avocados. I've heard they are a great 'first food' for babies so I gave him some, without surprise, he loved them!
My kid is very... shall we say... regular. Ha! He is on a clockwork schedule. So I knew something was wrong Friday night when he hadn't pooped. Fast forward to Saturday morning, still nothing. I was honestly worried because this is highly unusual. Saturday afternoon, nothing. Saturday night, nothing. I think it was around Sunday morning at 5am, Ryk woke up screaming bloody murder. Not like my child, at all. He did not want put down, he didn't want to be held, he couldn't get comfortable. So we ended up spending the rest of our morning out on the couch while I held him in a semi-upright position while he slept. I can only assume it was because the poor kid was so constipated and backed up, he was flipping' miserable. So by this point, I am really concerned. A few times Sunday we would catch him straining himself and crying or screaming. I was really concerned at this point, so I went to the internet to see what was suggested to help relieve constipation in babies. I found a few articles on the internet and from what I could come up with, avocados can cause constipation! We ran into town and picked up some prunes so we could feed him, not to mention I was nursing him nonstop to try and help. It was in the afternoon and still nothing. Since nothing had worked yet, I was trying to think of an adult and what they recommend - exercise. It speeds up your system and therefore flushes you out. So I put him in his Jumperoo. Wouldn't you know it, about 5 minutes of jumping around like an animal he stops and starts screaming, crying, and is bright red in the face...
I am so relieved (pun intended) that's he's finally done his business after two days that I don't even pay attention to what I'm getting myself into. I just grabbed Ryker and took him to his room to change him. I move him from my hip to grab underneath his armpits and I feel a squish... :/ I'll spare you the awful details, use your imagination, but I will tell you this... I was gagging. It also took me and Scott to undress him. Needless to say, we had to put him in the tub afterwards and I had to change my clothes.
You know you're a mother when...?
You have poop smashed in the diamonds of your wedding ring.
THE FOLLOWING DAY.
3) 37th Wonder Week. I don't know how many of my mother friends follow 'Wonder Weeks' but they are they real deal as far as I'm concerned. Leaps, or wonder weeks as the authors refer to them as, are different from growth spurts. They are mental leaps. During the fussy times, you can almost watch your child change from day to day as they are learning the concepts of new things. It honestly is amazing. I really suggest getting the book if you plan on having more babies. The leap we are going through now with Ryk is a doozy. Add in all the above mentioned things, plus clinginess, loss of appetite (in part because he is so busy looking around and taking everything all in), he's shy, sleeping poor, has started to have 'nightmares', refuses diaper changes, sometimes can be totally listless.
This leap affects all five senses. I've noticed Ryker examining things, really studying hard. Different colors are getting his attention that didn't before. He seems things around the house, like Easter decorations for instance, that he hasn't noticed. He is developing new verbal sounds, not to mention is screams or squawks for attention if you aren't looking at him. Ryker is usually about 2 weeks ahead of the age calculation, so I noticed changes at 32 weeks (Saturday was the 34 weeks) they were mild, but they were changes. This leap can last till week 40. So it's long. Very, very long. Especially when you have as good of baby as I do.
4) Sleep. Or lack thereof. We've never really had problems with sleep. I could handle the getting up one, maybe two times a night to feed and go back to bed with no problems. But overnight, he went to getting up 3, 4, 5 times a night. He didn't really want to eat, and he didn't want to sleep. He was just want to have a nice little conversation of bubbles and raspberry blowing. After fighting with him and lots of up/downs, he would crash. Just to get up an hour or two later. Scott and I had to start taking turns getting up with him and putting him back to bed. We knew he didn't need to eat every hour, he was just being difficult. We were honestly exhausted and the day hadn't even began yet. We naturally began to question ourselves and what we were doing wrong, but we also wondered what his schedule was like during the day.
I've commented many times how I struggle with being a working mother. One day after what left like the longest day I've ever lived through, I was driving home and talking to Scott about what would surely be another horrific evening with Ryker. We talked about what we could do different but also what our moms could do different during the day. I can't even remember the question Scott asked me about Ryker schedule during the day, but I couldn't answer it. I really had no clue what his schedule was like during the day. I just broke down into tears and kept saying over and over 'how could a mom not even know her own child's routine??' After some much needed comforting on Scott's part, he and I both decided we could have the mom's fill out a chart for us - feedings, awake time, and nap time - that way he and I could look to see if we needed to make any adjustments. Example, maybe he was sleeping way too long, or he's awake too long..
5) The Grandparents. I hate to even mention the grandparents making our life difficult when they watch him 5-days a week. But when I asked them to fill out the chart so Scott and I are able to see what he does during the day, they went nuts. Especially my mother. You would have thought I was accusing her of beating my child.. I was appalled. I thought I went about it in the most sincere tone, none accusatory (there was nothing to accuse either of them of by the way!), just honestly upset that I don't know what MY SON does during the day. My mom had the guts to say 'you think you're the only mom who has even been tired?!' This was a week ago and I am still fired up by that saying! She also said more than once how she went through it and didn't do anything. I was fed up by this point and told her that's where she and I differ - I was actually trying to be proactive and do something about it.
The whole morning was a total mess and I didn't hear from my mom till the next day. Scott also got a phone call from him mom later that day about it, to which he had to threaten her that if they couldn't do one thing for us that we would find a childcare provider who would. I had a nice chat with my MIL when I went to pick up Ryker about what exactly the chart was for and she finally understood what we were after. My mom, who is so fantastic but can also be the most stubborn person ever, refused to even acknowledge the reasons I was asking such a thing, but did manage to fill it out for us. We still have yet to talk about it...
So, the purpose of this post?
Being a mother is hard.
It's hard for so many reasons we cannot control. For me, there is always the worry that I'm not doing it right. I worry that I should be doing something better or that I'm not doing something I should be. The "what-if's" and "should I" list is endless. I worry so much that I'm not doing enough for Ryker. I worry that I'm not there enough for him. Whether it be a sleepless baby or grandparents that drive me to drink, I just worry. I feel like I miss more than a parent should. I didn't even know his schedule for hell sakes... Sure, I had an idea but I couldn't tell you specifics about his day.
Here I am, five months back to work, some days are easier than others. But there are some days I still dread nearly every second of it. I miss my son.
Being a working mother is hard(er).
I am so grateful I have a husband who is so supportive of me and is trying his hardest to make it so I can stay home. He know it is difficult for me. It's hard for him too, because it's hard for me. We aren't willing to sacrifice the life we have now just so I can stay home. I'll admit, we enjoy the finer things in life and we feel like our son should have the same. He and I realize it isn't in the cards right now, and I do my best to know I am providing Ryker with the life he deserves. It would be a different story if he wasn't in the care of family. Again, how blessed are we that Ryker's grandma's love him enough to watch him everyday. I am grateful for the bond he will have with them and his aunt Sadie. I am grateful for the fact I have a job with fantastic insurance and a boss who lets me take days off when I need to be with my son.
I know one of these days it will happen for us. But you know what? That's not going to make parenting any easier. I'm still going to have a baby who is growing, developing, teething, and who knows what else..
The only thing it will do is give me more time with my baby. But with that, it will bring on its own set of new challenges. And guess what...?
Being a mother will still be hard.
