You ever had those days, weeks, months where literally nothing seems to be going good? Well, I'm having that, only it's been this whole year. Granted, seeing our perfectly healthy, beautiful son was the most extraordinary moment of the year, it's probably the only one. Seriously.
Let recap, shall we....
Wednesday, May 8th at 4:45am Scott got a telephone call. I just assumed it was work, happens all the time. But it was quick and to the point, he got up and just flipped on the bathroom light. I have to say I was annoyed like, dude, I'm sleeping! But he walked over to me and put both hands on the side of my head so I asked what was going on. He said "that was your mom, she doesn't want you to freak out, but she was in a accident at work (I started trying to sit up and he wouldn't let me) and broke her hip." I yelled, now is the time to freak out! and pushed him out of my way. Adrenaline instantly kicked in and that's pretty much how I've survived. We took separate vehicles so Scott could go to work if he needed and I had to stop and drop the dogs off at my moms. I tried to get my crap together just enough to be able to stay calm with her on the phone. I called her and she was crying and in so much pain, the worst thing at that point I could imagine. I calmly asked what had happened as I tried my best to choke back the tears as I raced as fast as I could to Pocatello. Of all things, she was leaning down at work to pick up a box of yogurt, stood up and went to turn to the left and somehow lost her balance and fell right to the concrete floor. She knew something was instantly wrong, but had no idea how bad. Instead of her fellow employees calling 911, they took her to the ER once she told them she couldn't move or walk. Once she got to PMC, they started doing heart checks and an x-ray.
Scott and I got to the hospital about 6am and run up to the Med/Surg floor. She was still crying from all the pain, even though she had been hooked up to morphine once they realized how bad the break was. Not only had she broken the ball of the left femur completely off, she had shattered it into numerous pieces. Her leg was completely rolled out, basically her knee was laying completely on the bed, and I thought that was the worst thing I'd see... I can't tell you how many doctors we met with from 6am till her surgery at 10am. There were filing in and out to check on her and see how everything was going with the pain. It was a total blur to be honest.
While she was in surgery, I left to go take care of her animals and feed my dogs. I got a call from the OR saying everything was going well and that her surgeon would like to meet with me and discuss the surgery. So I went back to the hospital and met with him. He told me everything went really well and since she's young she should be able to bounce back relatively quick. It made me feel better to know everything went so well, I went and got me some lunch then headed up to the Total Joint Center and waited for her to get out of recovery. I only had to wait 10 minutes I think before I saw them rolling her down the hallway. She gets really sick from anesthetic, and it's something she mentioned numerous times to numerous people and they all assured us they would get on top of the drugs to help prevent it. Well rather they did or didn't, it didn't help. She puked and puke, etc. for what seemed like hours and they tried at least 2 different kind of drugs before they gave her a drug that completely knocked her out. At that point, it was the best thing for her. She had been through so much and had zero rest. They wanted to get her up that evening, but it just wasn't going to happen. It was the hardest thing leaving her that evening, I felt bad leaving her alone, even though she was completely wiped out. I cried all the way home.
Thursday, May 9th. I made sure to get to the hospital at 8am and was a little surprised she had some color in her face and was eating some toast. But it didn't stay long. Before I knew it she was white as a ghost and profusely vomiting. Her BP was hovering around 80/40, consistently and nothing they did could make it go above 84/46 so they ordered her a blood transfusion. When they came in to test out her blood, they found out her hemoglobin levels were bottomed out and another H one, so they put a rush on it. Long story short, it didn't help a wink. So they ordered a second. By the end of second one, her BP spiked to around 156. One top of all of this, she was still throwing up consistently. So the nurse gave her another round of that nausea medication and it wiped her out again. Thursday was by far the worst day I have ever had to deal with. No one should have to see their mom in that much pain and agony. I was so physically, mentally and emotionally drained could I hardly keep it together. I just cried and worried, and cried and worried. She still wasn't able to get up and moving to start her therapy on her hip, so at that point we just kept prolonging her stay no matter how much we tried to reverse it.
Friday, May 10. I again made sure I was to the hospital at 8am. On my way to Pocatello I cried and kept thinking the worst, what happens now if her pressures haven't gone up and her blood levels didn't increase?? I almost hit the floor when I walked into her room and saw my mom, not a ghostly skeleton of a woman who resembled my mother. I cried and cried. Just thinking about it makes me cry. By some miracle of God, her pressures had finally stabilized and for the first time since Wednesday she looked great. She was even having some toast and drinking coffee :)
Friday happened to be a very special day, it marked the day I would officially graduate from my ISU program. I think that was another unspoken reason things were so difficult to deal with. The day we've been waiting years for was finally here, and my mom wouldn't be able to be apart of it. I hated being away from the hospital to attend my graduation while I knew she was stuck in the hospital. It was an awful, sad, empty feeling. You're not suppose to do this kind of stuff without your mother... Scott, my dad, and his wife were able to make it to my KSHP graduation. All in all it was a nice event, I got to see some of my friends in the program I haven't seen since we finished in December and was able to so some catching up. But, not being able to stand next to my mom with my certificate was devastating.
Also at this same event, my friend Jackie Poulson was honored. Some of you may remember her death in August. She and two other men, her father-in-law and friend, were electrocuted in Blackfoot. She was two classes away from graduating with her Master of Health Education degree, but ISU was so great to honor her by giving her family her degree. It was such an emotional thing to see her mother stand up from and accept the degree. I was already a mess from everything that had happened in my life, but I couldn't stop from crying. Tears of joy and sadness. I miss Jackie. She was such a great spirirt and funny as hell. She was always making me laugh, she and I have a similar sense of humor, I'm a firm believer that's why she and I were friends.
After the days events, Scott and I headed back up to the hospital to spend some more time with mom before we went home. Every night was hard leaving her, I just felt guilty that I got to go home and she had to stay. While I was gone to my graduation, she was able to get up finally and get therapy started. She was really tired Friday and I think a lot of the getting up and moving had to do with that. As worried as I was about her getting up, she said of course the hip hurt, but after experiencing Wednesday, she said nothing will ever compare to that pain. I felt so much better that in just 24 hours she could go from where she was, to actually have gotten up and moved. It was refreshing but nerve racking.
Saturday, May 11th. Scott and I got up extra early so I could see mom before my ISU graduation ceremony at 10am. I made sure to dress in my cap and gown and walked in. She cried and apologized for missing it. It made me sad that such an important part of my life, she wasn't going to be there for. The day was bittersweet. I wanted to be happy and excited, but I was just bummed and totally exhausted from everything that had happened. My dad, gram, Scott, his family, my aunt Bonnie and uncle Terry, and my friend Marianne and Conor were able to make it to the commencement. I am lucky to have them, all of them. I know graduation is long and boring and loong, but they made the effort to be there for me and it means more than they know.
My mom had arranged a Taco Bar at her house for afterwards, I think Scott wanted me to cancel it because he knew the day overall would be hard on me. And it was. But I knew if I canceled the dinner on her behalf, mom would have been even more upset, so we kept it going. A sister from my home ward had gotten in contact with another sister and helped prepare the party meal for me. Such a huge blessing for me and a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I am beyond grateful for the sisters who helped me, there are not enough words to express my love and appreciation. I've seen more blessings, the power of prayer, and God's tender mercies more in these last 7 days than I have my entire life. It makes me beyond grateful to be apart of the LDS church and to know that there are people in the ward who would take the time to dinner for me. I am one of those who thinks I can do it all, with no help, but this is a swift reminder that it is okay to ask for help and there are those who are more than willing to extend a hand.
Sunday, May 12th. Our poor home had been neglected since we haven't been around too much, so we got up
EARLY and took care of a few minor things before we headed to Pocatello. We were so exhausted from everything on Saturday that we put up food and that was it. So we went back to my mom's and get everything picked up and taken care of before we went to the hospital to hang out with mom for Mother's Day. In the whirlwind of everything, Scott and I didn't even get our mother's a gift, let alone a card. I guess that makes us sucky chilrden :) We sat with mom at the hospital for a few hours and made sure she was okay for a couple hours while we went to McCammon to see Scott's mom and have dinner out there. He's been craving his mom's homemade spaghetti - so he bargained with her to make it. Delish! We stayed out there for a couple hours and headed back to the hospital before we went home. Mom said for her Mother's Day all she wanted was a vanilla ice cream cone from Arctic Circle, so we stopped and got her one. It's the simple things in life. We stayed with her for a while longer and headed back home.
Monday, May 13th. HOME, HOME, Home at last! After 5.5 days, they finally felt she was stabilized enough to go home. The best, worst, most stressful day since Wednesday. I was so nervous about her getting around and all the stairs in her house. Her safety was my main priority and Scott practically begged to move her into our ranch style home, but since she has home health, PT/OT it just isn't feasible. So we both made the decision it was in her best interest for me to move back in with her to be there during the night and out of the goodness of my Mother-in-laws heart, she agreed to stay with her during the day so I can be at work. The room she was in was a smaller one in the house, so we moved her to a bigger room so she would have direct access to the bathroom and have more room to manage her walker.
The adjustment is hard and this was the first time I felt bitter. It sounds so awful, but I felt like that for a number of reasons. It's hard enough being an only child. But when something like this happens, the responsibility falls on you. Especially when your dad is no longer your mother's spouse and she has never remarried. Everything, literally, falls onto my shoulders. Being pregnant doesn't help matter anyways, I'm all jacked up on hormones and the stress has been trying on me, well everyone. I can't just leave my mom to fend for herself, and I have no problem being there for as long as she needs me. I'll stay as long as it takes to get her well, I just wish I could share the responsibility with someone else. I know, after a stern talking to by Scott, that all I have to do is ask for help and it's there. And I realize that. I am getting better at asking for help, and again I appreciate that so many people are there to help us. But as the only child, I feel like it's my responsibility to made sure she is taken care of and well. That's my only concern is that she recovers and is safe in her own home. "This is not a permanent thing", that's what I have to keep reminding myself. "It won't always be this hard." I see improvements in her everyday, and it makes me incredibly happy, and it also calms my fears and stresses. Day by day, step by step, we can make it through this.
Tuesday, May 14th. This was the first day I was back to work since everything happened. It was very hard to leave her, even though I knew my MIL was going to be there shortly. I kept calling and texting every 30 minutes it seemed like to make sure she was okay. And of course, she was. When I got home yesterday, she looked really good. She met with the home health nurse and they scheduled the days/time she would be in to test her blood and change her bandage if needed. She got set up with a PT/OT to come in and work her hip a couple times a week as well. Because it was such a traumatic bone break, she runs the risk of blood clots, so her blood is tested every other day to make sure it isn't too thick or too thin. She's also on a medication that helps to thin the blood too, but we have to have her on a special diet because the dosage can be easily fluctuated with Vitamin K; no salads, broccoli or leafy greens while she is on it. Really, the whole thing has been a huge learning experience.
Wednesday, May 15th. I can't believe it's been a week that this whole mess started. I keep looking at the clock thinking, at this time we were doing this... It's amazing how far she has come in just 7 LONG days. Like I mentioned above, I see improvements every day, they may be small but they are improvements and that's all that matters.
I can't even express how much gratitude and love I have towards those who have called, text, facebooked me, came over, and so on... Your love and support, prayers and well-wishes have made this wild and crazy journey just a little easier on me, and I know for her too. A huge thanks to my amazing, incredibly selfless husband who realized my mom needs me more right now and for helping me with anything I need. He has kept me sane when all I wanted to do was breakdown and give up. He has been with my every step of the way and seeing him help my mom has made me fall more in love with him. His gentle, caring soul is something that doesn't emerge too often, he holds it in for moments like these. How I ever got so lucky that he would put up with my crap, I have no idea, but I will never take that man for granted. I don't tell him 'thank you' enough for all he does. Being apart has been hard, but we both know right now I am where I need to be, and that's caring for my mom for the next little while.
I will make sure to keep everyone updated on her progress. It can only go up from here I know. So expect better news each time!
On another note - a happier one, this girl reached 26 weeks Sunday! I can tell Ryker is getting bigger because he is in my ribs and kicks the crap out of me all day. I'll be sitting down doing something and get a huge wack!, the kicks and jabs are to the point now that they hurt a little bit! Scott's parents and sister bought us a travel system and Scott got right on putting that together, I think it's been a couple weeks now, may two (the days are running together!). It is so precious, in just 14 weeks and our little man will be coming home in it.
I have a boat load of pictures I'm going to upload separate from this post, so stay tuned for that!
Hope everyone is enjoying this stifling heat, so much for hoping we get a spring!
-M
