The Tough Stuff

"I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it."

I've often asked myself, when will it really be worth it? There are so many things in this world I wish I could understand. Life and death, just death really, is something even at (almost) 23 I struggle with. I don't really know how to post this post into words, and it will probably come out a rambling mess... So be prepared.My uncle Scott, my moms brother, was diagnosed with Stage 4 liver cancer at the beginning of the year. Scott has always lived in California and he was always traveling. It wasn't very often I got to see him, but for some reason, I always connected with him more than my moms other brother and two sisters. He is my favorite. And now, at a ripe age of 56, he's dying. He is the same age as my Grandpa Nielsen when he died, from liver cancer. In April it will be 2 years my Grandma Nielsen died, from liver cancer.

When is this worth it?

We made a trip to Simi Valley 2 weeks ago so we could see him, more than likely for the last time. It was goodbye. When we got to the hospital I worked myself up for what he would look like. Cancer does tremendous things to the body, so I knew it wasn't really going to be Scott sitting there, it would be the cancer. He was almost unrecognizable. He was skinny, and pale, and gray haired. I wanted to cry, but I didn't want to upset him. So we talked football (He LOVES Brett Farve, and is a purple cheese head for life-Vikings/Packers) and about school and work. It sounds like him, but its not him. When I was getting ready to leave his room, his frail arms lifted up to give me a hug and he told me he loved me and 'to be good'.

When is this worth it?

When we left Sunday, he was getting his first dose of chemo. He was nervous, and visibly upset. Rightfully so. I'm sure it was a toss up between the treatment and the possibility he may never see his family again. He was given the possibility of 3 months. But the Oncologist also told us there is almost no normal liver cells, its all cancer. My mom takes a deep breath every time her phone rings.

When is this worth it?

On the 11Th, my mom and I were talking about a phone call one of the sisters had gotten from the hospital. The social worker wanted to tell us Scott more that likely wouldn't make it through the night. I sat, in disbelief and thought maybe it was a false alarm. Not 2 minutes later, the telephone rang. (Deep breathes) The social worker was right, he didn't make it through the night. On Feb. 11, 2010 my favorite uncle Scott, passed away from liver cancer around 8pm MST.

When is this worth it?

We'll be leaving this Thursday to go back to California to say our final goodbye. He is being laid to rest in the most amazing, peaceful cemetery I've ever been too. It's in Camarillo and its outlined in palms and tropical looking flowers. It's away from the busy California lifestyle, it's quiet and serene. It's a nice place to be. I just wish it were in Idaho.....

I miss him already. My mom misses him already. So to ask the question again, when is this suppose to be worth it? Cancer is so hard to deal with, those of you who haven't dealt with it, I hope you never have to. It pops up so much in my family, you think it would get easier.. But that's a lie. I think it gets harder. It's miserable. It's a life ruiner. I do know Scott is in no pain. He's happy, and he's safe. He's with God, and if God likes football, I'm sure they're discussing whether or not Brett will come back with the Vikings next year :] I am so lucky I am a member of the LDS church. Times like these makes me grateful that I have the knowledge that we will meet again. But it's still hard. Why do the good die young?

So, Uncle Scott.... I'll always love Manning, I'll never like 'The Pack'. I promise I'll make it through school, I promise to be good, and I promise to take care of my Mom. There is no 'trying,' it's just 'doing'.

I love you. Rest in peace.

Until we meet again.